Opinion: The Real Paul McCartney's Guide to University

As I sat in my girlfriends hedge, listening to De La Soul's Three is the Magic number while watching her get dirty with her 'new' feller, a thought struck me in the face in the form of a slightly disorientated bat, I realised that just two very important guidelines have seen me survive through the shark infested waters of my two student years. What are these guidelines? I hear you nonchalantly and probably subconsciously think as you read this ink. Well, snap your attention rigidly to this page and all shall be revealed, but remember, in the words of the unsung hero who made Baz Luhrmann famous; my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience, and as I am a bit of a knob take it with a pinch of salt(ol' Bazzy may of cut that last bit):

1)Say Yes to everything

Whether it be parties, extra-curricular activities or buying a pint for your mate – if you say yes to everything you will be the most worn out person at the end of the year, you will be broke and you will most probably be encountering some kind off breakdown but on the flip side, you would never of known the advantages between using an épée or a sabre in a drunken midnight kitchen fencing match on Halloween .

2)Follow your passions

Even if sometimes you feel like you are the only student in the world who would benefit from a society which sellotapes teddy bears onto scalextric cars, douses them with petrol and bets on which one can travel the furthest before the fire penetrates the deodorant can strapped to the teddy bear's back while the Commodores Greatest Hits gently serenades the ensuing carnage, it doesn't mean that you are. It just means that you are a little eccentric and if you find fourteen other oddjobs (perhaps at that pesky police line up, you're always being asked to attend) you have a society in the making. Now just tell the student council you are educating children about the dangers of deodorant abuse and the world is your oyster.

And there it is, two very general pieces of advice which if you follow them like I do, will see you barred from the pub, banned from the union, asbo-ed from your girlfriends hedge, thrown off your course, ousted from your burnt down house, leaving you hungry, cold and alone and set for that real world your parents kept telling you about until they put you up for adoption

The Real Paul McCartney

www.hullfire.com

Poetry : My eyes grew wider as I grew older.

When I was two

I looked for my grandmother

She came into view

and everything was fine

When I was three

I looked for my grandmother

I cried on her knee

and everything was fine

When I was four

I looked for my grandmother

Her word was law

but everything was fine

When I was ten

I looked for my grandmother

She fell on the glen

but everything was fine

When I was sixteen

I looked for my grandmother

A doctor intervened

He said everything was fine

When I was eighteen

I looked for my grandmother

But she couldn't be seen

I was told she was fine

When I was twenty-two

I looked for my grandmother

Realise she had lost a screw

Her mind was not fine

When I was twenty-four

I looked for my grandmother

She was a cerebal prosoner of war

And she didn't seem to be fine

And now it's that day

Where I look at my grandma

As the church starts to pray

And I don't feel fine

Poetry : The lovers in Edinburgh walk very slowly, they should probably hurry up a bit to save me from stress.

It was as if somehow, time had slowed down

As I drowned in the rain watching you bound down

the lane. And with a bump, an abrupt stop,

we could not help but collide into each other.

But then our love ran sour and you had me

walking in the gutter, stuttered at first:

my frustration grew, cursing you

with blue thoughts. Youheld me back and I saw black

I pushed you down hard on the ground because,

you dossed as your feet trawled the streets and making me wait

to meet a mate an Cannongate. You made me late

and filled me with hate. I wished a rape upon you

And you deserved your just desert, because you

Walk in front of me very very slowly

Tom Peel

Feedback welcome

Review : Papillon - Editors Single

With their third album, In This Light And On This Evening being released in October, the Editors announced that they put down their guitars and picked up their synths to capture the raw, viceral energy which drives their live shows. Did it work? Well, if their single Papillon is anything to go by..Yes. Thom's trademark baritone lyrics and the wailing guitar licks have been complimented by a Numan-stylee introduction and Depeche Mode harmonies making the Editors sound like New Order would if Ian Curtis hadn't committed suicide. Emotively and darkly powerful

www.hullfire.com

Review : Gaze: Lovin' Earth Tour 2009

Gaze: Lovin' Earth Tour 2009
Gaze/Laughing Horse Free Festival
Aptly named Gaze (think phonetically), these two musical-comedians are out to save the planet, person by person, song by song. Donning matching grey suits with black ribbons to highlight 'Death of the Earth Awareness Day', the pair look the part and for that matter act the part, but unfortunately too much of the humour in their set derives from their earth-saving angle and not from the comedian's mouth. Their songs are generally good, including the hilarious 'Bomb Iraq', but their spoken material is less consistent. There are some humorous moments in and amongst other material which isn't bad, but similarly isn't funny. If they managed to improve these links to complement their comical style and charisma, they might achieve more success.
Laughing Horse @ Meadow Bar, 6 - 17 Aug, 10.15pm (11.15pm), free, fpp53.
tw rating 2/5
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Review : Rosa Waxes Lyrical

Rosa Waxes Lyrical
Creative Cat
If you are a bra-burning militant feminist of the '60s do not see this show: if you are anybody else, do. Rosa the Russian beautician does her best to persuade the audience that being folically challenged from the neck down will bring you success in life; that is when she is not talking about herself or name-dropping of course. She is joined by her faithful pianist who can only be described as having Tim Minchin's eyes, Bill Bailey's hair and Droopy Dog's expression, and who steals a proportion of the show. The material is very comical and Rosa has an excellent singing voice, but she lacks the immediate comic one-liners when she converses with the crowd. Egotistical, arrogant comedy.
Gilded Balloon Teviot, 5 - 26 Aug (not 18), 9.30pm (10.30pm), prices vary, fpp92
tw rating 4/5
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Review : The Packed Lunch

The Packed Lunch
C presents...
It's hard to review something that changes every day, but 'The Packed Lunch' aims to showcase highlights of children's shows across the festivals. Come rain or shine, performers take to the stage and act out selected scenes from their shows three times a day at eleven, one and three o'clock. It's worthwhile if you have some spare time and want to enjoy a drink, food or just rest while your children are entertained. As it is in the C Soco gardens, the setting is very informal, allowing you to arrive or leave whenever you want, making it useful if you want to see what is on offer. It's not scintillating theatre but you may get a free ticket to a show.
C Soco Urban Garden, 3 - 31 Aug, times vary, free, fpp 14.
tw rating 2/5
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Review : Under Milk Wood

Under Milk Wood
Youth Arts Leicestershire
In what's probably the most complete performance from young actors that I've seen at the Fringe, Dylan Thomas' radio play 'Under Milk Wood' is brought out of the ears and in front of the eyes. With such a poetic, dense and detailed script the production team relied heavily on visual effects; they created some ethereal characters with jackets and shackles, amongst other things, complementing the script with their swaying dances and providing an amphibious environment such as the ones found on dampened jetties with the set and technical effects. In fact it's the script which undermines the piece; although beautifully-worded, it flits around, barring the audience from connecting with the characters and leaving them wondering if it's about bugger all.
Quaker Meeting House, 24 - 29 Aug, 6.30pm (7.30pm), 7.00 (5.00), fpp236.
tw rating: 3/5
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Review : Unfolding King Lear A Model

Unfolding King Lear A Model
Incarnate
I have never read, seen or studied King Lear and my judgement of whether this this is a good or bad adaptation may be lacking somewhat, but what I can say is that it's very interesting. If you love or appreciate the nuances and subtleties of Shakespearian language it isn't for you, as the sole actor rushes through the play reading from a script, sometimes shouting, sometimes mumbling - reading to himself more than to the audience. However, he's surrounded by all manner of wonderful items which he uses to entertain and perplex, often with the intention of torturing himself, which keeps the audience on edge, trying to guess what will happen next and frankly, if they are quite safe.
The Vault, 25 - 21 Aug, 10.20pm (11.20pm), 5.00 (3.00), fpp236
tw rating: 3/5
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Review : Still Waiting For Godot

Still Waiting For Godot
Nod/nod
To bring a play as notorious as 'Waiting For Godot' to the public domain, you either have to cast two extremely respected actors or be very brave. Fortunately, nod/nod aren't just brave, they are brilliant. The acting is fantastic: each character had a vivid personality contrasting and conflicting with the others around him; their space was a toilet, where they exploited every nook and cranny for maximum effect; they tore at the script, modernising it, satirising it and most importantly having fun with it; and the imagery that they created with their blocking was beautifully powerful. They did exactly what needed to be done with a worn-out script: rejuvenated it into a new, exciting and enjoyable piece of theatre.
C Central, 25 - 31 Aug, 6.30pm (7.20pm), 5.00, fpp237.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : Puppet Grinder Cabaret

Puppet Grinder Cabaret
Puppet Grinder/Little Angel Theatre
Even though the Fringe's unofficial motto seems to be 'anything goes!', I never expected to see a strip-dancing puppet with breasts that have a tendency to fall off, at the festival, or in my life. But the Puppet Grinder Cabaret, hosted by the northern, non-puppet, cheeky chappy that is Dave Gibson, have scoured Edinburgh for the more 'adult' puppet acts, which included on this particular night ('where Cheryl tapped the drum'; they name all their nights) a delightfully foul-mouthed history of Britain, a frog choking to death while swallowing a duster and the disgustingly horrific aforementioned stripper, Trixi. If you'd like see what you could have done when you had your hand up Sooty's bum, this is the kind of show you might like.
Assembly @ Georges Street, 6 - 31 Aug (not 17 or 24), 8.35pm (9.35pm), prices vary, fpp88.
tw rating 3/5
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Review : Banterland

Banterland
PBH's Free Fringe
'Banterland' is less a land of Banter and more of a choppy ocean; this may seem like an odd metaphor, but stand up comics Alf Brown, Ben Hudson, Miriam Roe and Chortle Student finalist Nicola Bolsover raise the audience up on waves of good material, but are thrown back into the troughs with a number of awkward silences. Saying this however, they average at a high standard, and conduct the show in an original way, with the three who aren't grasping the mike sat behind the speaker occasionally having input on his/her material. Their actual jokes, while not the most hilarious are entertaining, fresh, fast-paced and original.
The Rat Pack, 8 - 29 Aug, 3.10pm (4.10pm), free, fpp27.
tw rating: 3/5
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Review : The Assassination of Paris Hilton

The Assassination of Paris Hilton
Racked
If you're a fan of shows such as Sex and the City and the OC, you will love this show; unfortunately I am not, but still I enjoyed it. It has to be one of the fringe's more avant-garde shows, being set in the ladies bogs, which despite being sweaty and cramped, creates a good atmosphere what with its sanitary smell. The acting is over the top, which suits the over the top characters who are hell bent on either schmoozing with Paris Hilton in a desperate attempt to become famous themselves or killing her. The play does well to ridicule the shallow lifestyle but is full of obvious jokes and I would have preferred a graver ending.
Assembly @ George Street, 13 - 30 Aug (not 17 Aug), times vary, prices vary, fpp180.
tw rating 3/5
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Review : The Real MacGuffins

The Real MacGuffins
Desperately trying to attempt a post-modern sketch show, not through content but through seamless transitions involving sketches within sketches, sketches within sketches within sketches, and once sketches within sketches within sketches within sketches, the Real MacGuffins provide a mediocre sketch comedy which is neither thrilling nor cringe-worthy. They have decent material, such as their take on performance poetry, and look the part in matching suit jackets, but as a sketch team come across as being too contrived and obvious as they try and break down the actor-script relationship. The acting is not the most comedic that I have seen, and the material, although being imaginative does not have those creative details that can make shows of this nature.
The Grape, 6 - 30 Aug, 7.00pm (8.00pm), free, pp n/a.
tw rating 2/5
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Review : Cardinal Burns

Cardinal Burns
Pleasance
Intelligent and crude, natural and surreal, Cardinal Burns are all things comic, devising the kind of sketches that gain cult status. Memorable, original and hugely hilarious, the lads show great talent, not just as funny men but as actors, showing off impeccable accents, diverse complete characters and brilliant expressions. They stop at nothing, pulling out all the stops to get your rib cage thundering in laughter: parodying the stereotypes that other comics would never realise are there, using the audience, and more explicitly themselves in their highly inventive sketches. They say time flies when you're having fun, and this show seemed over before it even began, leaving the audience aching in heaps of laughter. One you don't want to miss.
Pleasance Courtyard, 5 - 31 Aug (not 17 or 24), 5.45pm (6.40pm), prices vary, fpp33.
tw rating 5/5
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Review : Yianni Agisilaou's Free Stand-Up Spectacular

Yianni Agisilaou's Free Stand-Up Spectacular
PBH's Free Fringe
Yianni Agisilaou, despite having a ridiculously hard last name to spell, strikes you as being one of those lucky folk who are naturally funny through their personality and manner. Confidently relaying his material before inviting his special guest onto the stage, he is vivacious, witty and intelligent. They say that enthusiasm is contagious, and most of Agisilaou's charm is due to his passion for storytelling coupled with his infectious smile. As well as being a comic, he also comes across as a bloody nice bloke, taking part in the chat for charity where he can be found inviting Fringe punters to chat to him about anything they want for a few minutes and donating 10% of his profit to Shelter.
The Rowan Caves, 8 - 29 (not 10, 17 or 24), 6.00pm (7.00pm), free, fpp110
tw rating 3/5
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Review : Couples Counseling

Couples Counseling
Loose Change Productions
Imagine Arthur Miller without the language, plot or point; throw in some Freud for good measure, a frankly odd approach and you create 'Couples Counseling', a very boring production. The infuriating style in which the characters seemed incapable of finishing their sentences was probably meant to convey some artsy meaning, but frankly, it was dull, repetitive and felt simply like a plethora of tiny drills were mining my skull. Am I being too harsh? Well, a minority of the lines were funny, and Jack Gilpin's performance as Dr. Bob was entertaining, but then there was that relentless cornucopia of blackouts, each one crushing my mind, imagination and desire to ever see anything remotely American again. Leaving felt heavenly.
Venue 13, 8 - 22 Aug (not 17), 5.45pm (6.45pm), £8.00 (£5.00), fpp188.
tw 1/5
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Review : Life After Divorce: The Truth

Life After Divorce: The Truth
Kevin McCarron/Laughing Horse Free Festival
The title of 'Life After Divorce: The Truth', gave me cause to feel apprehensive as I entered the Laughing Horse @ Espionage; I imagined a clichéd ridden set moaning about marriage and probably menstruation. I was pleasantly surprised then, when I was presented with an anecdotal set complemented by a number of inverted witticisms for good measure. As he focuses on the life he is able to live now he is free from the constraints of marriage, Kevin McCarron reveals himself to be a genuine, thorough and amusingly clever comic who gently coaxes the laughter out of the audience. He doesn't induce fits of uncontrollable laughter, but one is feel tickled and entertained, as McCarron exudes his natural, comforting charisma, putting you at ease with his far from bitter humour.
Laughing Horse @ Espionage, 6 - 30 Aug (not Mondays), 7.25pm (8.25pm), free, fpp72.
tw rating 3/5
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Review : Appel/Ring Cycle

Appel/Ring Cycle
Company Decalage/Shamita Ray
Like two snakes being charmed into competition, Company Decalage's 'Appel' consists of contorting moves, impossible shapes and flowing transitions. To say that Mikael Marso Riviere and Navala Chaudhari compete in an Eastern-infused dance-off does not do justice to the grace and strength in their exquisite piece. They create breathtaking dances, finding ways to move the human body which are both dynamic, natural and seemingly impossible. 'Ring Cycle' by Shamita Ray was slightly disappointing after the wonder of 'Appel', though. She created excellent moments, especially with her use of spotlights and shadows, but I found myself urging her to stretch out that bit more, jump that bit higher and inject her performance with a few more volts of energy to capture my imagination.
Dance Base, 5 - 16 Aug (not 11), times vary, £5.00, fpp112.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : Jake Yapp Presents Hallo, Music Lovers!

Jake Yapp Presents Hallo, Music Lovers!
Jake Yapp
Whether you are disgusted or enthralled by modern pop music, Jake Yapp's show might be for you. His niche is replicating the styles of such artists as Lloyd Webber, Lily Allen and Dizzie Rascall in a slightly satirical way. I say slightly, because Yapp doesn't quite reach the hilarity of Flight of the Conchords or Tim Minchin; he does, however, succeed in making the audience chuckle even if he lacks the razor edge of his more well known contemporaries. Despite the fact that his parodies could be better, Yapp has a talent for impressions and banter, and is happy to play on anything that the crowd throws at him, squeezing out its potential for humour with his skilled comic timing, before it becomes repetitive.
Just The Tonic @ The Caves, 6 - 30 Aug (not 18), 8.20pm (9.10pm), £8.00 (£6.50), fpp62.
tw rating 3/5
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Review : Dolls Don't Bite

Dolls Don't Bite
The Makeba Players
If you enjoy seeing a piece of theatre where the scene changes are longer than the scenes, where you enjoy playing spot the cliché and appreciate the irony of watching another play about gang-culture and hard up street-youths in an decadently decorated room in the middle of the affluent Merchant's Hall, this is for you. The acting flirts on the side of staleness and the pace is at best stuttering, and while the idea of setting it in traverse is meritable, they should have tried actually acting in traverse, rather than acting in different directions on alternate scenes. It wasn't the worst thing I've seen, but my most enjoyable moment was watching the man opposite trying to fend off sleep.
Spotlites @ The Merchant's Hall, 5 - 9 Aug, 6.05pm (7.05pm), £6.50 (£6.00), fpp 190.
tw rating 1/5
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Review : Cardenio

Cardenio
TACT (The Alternative Cambridge Theatre)
When I heard I was going to see an alleged lost Shakespeare play, reworked and produced as a low-budget, student production, I expected a performance that would be distinctly middle of the road - I was right. Actors of differing abilities gave a decent performance, allowing the audience to fully understand the complex plot, which revolves around the desires of Henriquez (played by a charismatic Benjamin Blyth) and his unstoppable urge to conquer his loves through his lust, at any cost. The play had some nice moments but equally provided nothing of remarkable theatrical credit. However, towards the end, it became noticeable that many of the actors relied on stock gestures they used throughout, at the cost of the audience's pleasure. Not disappointing
C Cubed, 6 - 28 Aug, 5.25pm (6.55pm), prices vary, fpp 185.
tw rating 3/5
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Review : The Gannet

The Gannet
Fat Content
Pure unadulterated madness, bordering on depicting the incestuous, and defiantly lewd. 'The Gannet' is a hot-pot of creative ideas stirred with a 'Hansel and Gretel' based storyline. Interesting characters, and absurdist action, is unfortunately undermined by an uneven flow and poor acting during the more naturalistic moments. I feel that I should have enjoyed this more, but the atmosphere created seemed stilted and lacking, due to it being placed in a black box. A more avant-garde approach to the audience and their allocated space could result in an improved mood and tone, dragging the play-goers into Fat Content's world, rather than the current persistent feeling of being a spectator. A curious and Absurdist piece which is enjoyable to watch.
Pleasance Dome, 5 - 31 Aug (not 18), 4.00pm (5.00pm), prices vary, fpp 197.
tw rating 3/5
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Review : West Lethargy

West Lethargy
Page 121 Productions
When handed a press pack that is thicker than the Fringe guide, I always get apprehensive, thinking that if the play needs to be explained by an essay, why perform it? Are they just hiding a shoddy performance behind layers of paper? Fortunately after receiving a whole folder, I can say that 'West Lethargy' was the exception to this rule. Based in a slightly fantastical world, the play exudes charm: the performances are energetic and excellent and the script slips in unpretentious philosophies amongst the more colloquial language. The allegorical plot shows the conflicts between those who are constantly on the move and those who just want to settle regardless of where or when we live. Easy, meaningful watching.
The Space @ Venue 45, 6 - 29 Aug (not 16, 23), 3.40pm (4.55pm), £7.00 (£5.00), fpp238.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : Pippa Evans - Your Evening's Entertainment

Pippa Evans - Your Evening's Entertainment
Chambers Management
Undoubtedly, Pippa Evans is the queen of cheese comedy, but rather than filling the auditorium with stifled groans she warrants a tumult of laughter through her four quirky characters: a down-and-out, Northern, husband-murdering, cabaret performer whom you would expect to find in a working men's club; a mentally-deficient self-titled Theatre Audience Technician; an infatuated stalker who is in love with, and used by, the aforementioned cabaret performer and who has a penchant for eggs; and a Kurt Cobain-esque alcoholic American singer. Evans is comic through her surreally-incongruent songs and her spoken act, coupling a powerful creativity with a skilled talent in acting and singing to create a risqué laugh a minute performance.
Pleasance Courtyard, 5 - 28 Aug, 6.20pm (7.20pm), prices vary, fpp88.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : Gagarin Way

Gagarin Way
Stand Comedy Club/Comedians Theatre Company
Does witty, thrilling unpretentious political theatre exist? Yes actually, in the form of 'Gagarin Way'. The beauty of Gregory Burke's acclaimed 2001 play is that the political theories and ideologies are concealed like chocolate chips in a fast-paced action-filled bun, where we witness a political idealist and his violent friend kidnap a high-ranking employee in their company to make an example out of him. It's only when a political graduate-come-security guard blunders back into the room - after opening the gates for the criminals but then forgetting his hat - that the ideologies of all four cast-members are questioned. With very broad accents, which can be hard to follow, the energy and excellent acting of the cast complements the see-sawing of political discussion, witticisms and action.
The Stand Comedy Club III & IV, 7 - 30 Aug (not 17), 1.00pm (2.30pm), 9.00 (8.00), fpp197.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : Okinawa 1945

Okinawa 1945
The American High School Theatre Festival
Telling the tragic story of the Himeyuri Student Corps - young nursing students who were forced to look after the Japanese soldiers during the Second World War - the Castle Performing Arts Centre presented a somewhat touching account of the horrors the young nurses were forced to bear. Keeping in mind the actors were high school students, they showed promise of a developing acting talent, but unfortunately most of these performances were wooden. I am still not sure whether this is through natural consequence or direction, as the cast took care not to clip their words together using 'It is' and 'You are' rather than 'It's' and 'You're' to create an oddly formal style.
Church Hill Theatre, 14 and 15 Aug, times vary, 5.00, fpp215.
tw rating 2/5
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Review : Inventing The Sky

Inventing The Sky
Rain People
If you enjoy physical theatre you will love this piece, though if you don't it's possibly not for you. Set in the peripheries of your own interpretation, 'Inventing The Sky' is an ambiguously gentle piece with flashes of aggression which, in my mind, dealt with the instinctive emotions and primeval problems of four friends as they progress through life. Charming and visceral, this performance is tarnished by its length, as some scenes have a tendency to drag, and it would be easy to make arguments for and against the erratic dance style. If you enjoy inspiring your imagination through movement, rather than straight naturalistic plays, you will definitely enjoy getting lost in this original and creative piece.
Zoo Southside, 7 - 31 Aug (not 20), 10.30pm (11.45pm), 10.00 (8.00), fpp115.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : Tea Dance

Tea Dance
Fly Right Dance Company and Pleasance
Whether it be painful hangovers, seeing the younger generation going out in nothing but their underwear, or failing to chat up the opposite sex in a loud nightclub, we have all been nostalgic about bygone social activities of the early twenty-first century, where one didn't have to rely on alcohol to have fun. Well, cast off your nostalgia, and join the Fly Right Dance Company who'll teach you how to elegantly foxtrot in a friendly environment. I say friendly; it is in the middle of the Pleasance Dome, where fringe punters can see you make a fool out of yourself, which initially is off-putting until you relax into the dance and free cocktails... er, what did I say about alcohol?
Pleasance Dome, 9 - 31 Aug (not 17 or 24), 6.30pm (7.30pm), 6.50, fpp122.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : John Gordillo: F**konomics

John Gordillo: F**konomics
Off The Kerb Productions
When watching comedy, a lecture on economics might not strike you as being humorous, and a man talking about sex for an hour may sound clichd, but John Gordillo manages to seamlessly blend the two, relating them in such a way that you will leave the auditorium wondering why you haven't previously realised that sex and relationships follow the same natural laws of the free market. Rather than parade around his comedy in a brash masochist manner, Gordillo comes across as a touching individual who empathises with women, because in his words "they walk around with cocks in them". With hindsight, I'm not sure that quote does justice to his show, which is as funny as an economic lecture could be.
Pleasance Dome, 5 - 31 Aug, 8.10pm (9.10pm), prices vary, fpp65.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : Lost World

Lost World
The Paper Cinema And Kieron Maguire
Magical, visually stunning and stimulating for all ages, 'Lost World' features wonderfully expressive and delightful cardboard puppets, who silently represent Conan Doyle's tale of Amazonian adventure, dinosaurs and hostile gorillas, to the back drop of music and sound effects. The puppets are projected onto a big screen, with the puppeteers sitting downstage, where the audience can watch them at work, seeing the techniques they use to create stylistic effects on the screen - with cardboard! The lack of vocal narrative allows the audience to relax fully into the story - letting the puppets inspire your imagination, which brings the story out of the screen and into your head. An ingenious creative vision that is exotically exciting for all ages.
Scottish Storytelling Centre, 12 - 31 Aug (not 18, 25), 3.30pm (4.14pm), 7.50 (5.00), fpp13.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : The Gospel of Luke

The Gospel of Luke
Bruce Kuhn
A one man show based on the Gospel of Luke without any props or costume; sounds scintillating doesn't it? Is my sarcasm coming through? Because it shouldn't, this show is enjoyable and entertaining and shouldn't be judged on its description, which lumps it in with plays aimed at bringing fire and brimstone down on heathen-atheist types like myself. After all, religious texts lay foundations for nearly all types of stories, and when retold by a vivid, engaging and vivacious actor such as Bruce Kuhn, the stories become intensely humanised, allowing us to sink into the story. Saying this, I would have preferred for Kuhn to tackle a lesser known gospel, one in which I didn't already know the narrative.
The Lot, 13 - 18 Aug (not 15), 3.00pm (4.30pm), 9.00 (8.00), fpp198.
tw rating: 3/5
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Review : Daniel Rigby: The Mothwokfantastic

Daniel Rigby: The Mothwokfantastic
Mick Perrin for Just for Laughs Live
Half sketch show, half attempting to make his fall guy corpse: Daniel Rigby enters stage left, tells the audience to 'Shut up' and commences with an hour of surreal sincere silliness which will have you laughing and praising the god of incongruity. Rigby's deadpan manner is only matched by the profuse amount of sweat that leaks out of his body, which gives rise to his excellent comic improvisation: "Julian, I appear to be pissing out of my chin". The sketches themselves fluctuate between good and hilarious, but the real pleasure lies in watching the dynamic duo having the time of their lives on stage. Witty, inventive and creative, this is pure silliness for sincerities sake.
Pleasance Courtyard, 5 - 31 Aug (not 17), 6.00pm (7.00pm), prices vary, fpp41.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : Idiots Of Ants : This is War

Idiots Of Ants: This is War
Pleasance
I feel I should love Idiots of Ants; they have an impressive résumé consisting of a multitude of stars and sold out their 2008 fringe show. But they seemed... safe. Some of their sketches were hilarious, but for the most part they were, for want of a proper adjective, just too 'BBC 3'. Four middle-class white men providing imaginative sketches with slick projections and professional production style. But it's that brand of comedy that television executives would find hilarious - ones which are risqué enough to warrant post-watershed transmission but lack that comic edge of, say, 'The Fast Show'. It's possibly a bit sweeping to say it, but they provide the sketches which are humorous to those people with responsibilities; middle aged people, mortgage owners and Mondeo drivers.
Pleasance Courtyard, 5 - 31 Aug (not 17, 18, 24), 8.15pm (9.15pm), prices vary, fpp 59
tw rating 3/5

www.threeweeks.com
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Review : Happy Food DIY Pizza Party

Happy Food DIY Pizza Party

Zanzero

‘Happy Food DIY Pizza Party’ is like Ronseal: it does exactly what it says on the tin. Participants sit in the basement-cum-workshop-cum-restaurant of Zanzero, listening to serenades from likes of Sinatra and Martin on the CD player; dough, sauce and a selection of vegetables are paraded around for the children to look, touch and smell, before the actual un-fingered ingredients are brought out, and the kids are invited to create their own small pizza. As the food is cooked, a selection of nibbles are presented, and before long, you are able to tuck into your own magnificent creation and then leave with a goody bag. Although this is a fun exercise for kids, I think it is overpriced for what is essentially a small meal.

TW RATING: 3/5

Zanzero, 10 - 27 Aug (not 14 - 16 or 21 - 23), times vary, £12.50, fpp11.

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Review : Mark Restuccia and Toby Brown: Undiluted

Mark Restuccia and Toby Brown: Undiluted
Mark Restuccia and Toby Brown
Like Jimmy Carr before he presented mind-numbing quiz shows on Channel 4 and when he was actually fresh and funny, Mark Restuccia and Toby Brown produce comedy by inverting normal day to day topics into funny yet sickening punch lines. They're to be found in the depths of C soco, and watching the pair is not a bad way to unwind after a hectic day at the Fringe. From the subject of finding your first grey pube stuck in your mother's mouth to the matter of wheelchair-bound basketball players wearing specialised trainers, Mark and Toby don't provide the most hilarious or intelligent comedy, but do raise more than a few laughs from the audience. They have potential for improvement, but I hope they stay away from Channel 4's quiz shows.
C soco, 5 - 31 Aug, 9.00pm (9.50pm), prices vary, ffp75.
tw rating 3/5
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Review : Monsieur Montpellier: Entertainer Extraordinaire!

Monsieur Montpellier: Entertainer Extraordinaire!
Monsieur Montpellier
Two lads having fun, one dressed as a French decadent the other as his assistant clown, mocking themselves, the audience and everything around them, while creating improvisations which will have you 'roflcopting' throughout. Although a minority of the jokes in this semi-improvised show may be suspiciously taken from other sources, the lads revel in setting up old hackneyed gags just to knock them down with original and hilarious punch-lines. Ridiculing the stereotype of an arrogant music hall-esque multi-performer, Monsieur Montpellier himself inevitably counters the continuous flow of tricks-gone-wrong by succeeding in the most simple prophesies and illusions. The high quality of the performance is clinched by the quick wit and charisma that is evident in the boys' relationship. Great-humoured fun.
Pleasance Dome, 5 - 30 Aug (not 17), 10.00pm (11.00pm), prices vary, fpp 79.
tw rating 5/5
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Review : His Ghostly Heart

His Ghostly Heart

The Girl Next Door Theatre Company

Don’t let the fact that this emotive piece is written by one of the lead writers from Skins deter you, because it is simply beautiful. The play takes place in a post-coital darkness, forcing the audience to close their eyes and open their ears, as they bear witness to the masterful yet colloquial language which feels like it has not been written but sculpted.

The superb plot, gradually twists the audience along its graceful, raw and emotive course, which is still provoking tears in my eyes. Anybody who has ever loved, will be left an emotional wreck, by a play which is impossibly personal to every single audience member. A masterpiece inspired by our inner-most thoughts.

Pleasance Courtyard, 5 -31 Aug (not 17), 3.45pm (4.15pm), £7.00 - £8.00 (£5.50 - £6.50), fpp 200

tw rating 5/5

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Review : Patrick Monahan’s Stories And Fables For Kids That Like To Sit At Tables!

Patrick Monahan’s Stories And Fables For Kids That Like To Sit At Tables!

Phil McIntyre Entertainment

They say you should never work with kids, and I agree, unless you are Patrick Monahan. Effortlessly combating their unruliness, spontaneity, and inadvertent humour by being spontaneous, humorous and imaginative, it is easy to see that Monahan never lost that childish sense of play that is too often discarded as we grow into petulant teens and morose adults.

Set in exotic lands, Monahan’s amusing allegorical anecdotes and repartee caters both for the kids and the parents. Relying as much on the audience’s participation as his flock of sheep as he does on his slideshow of sketches, Monahan transports the older generation back to their childhood, and the younger generation into a land far, far away.

Gilded Balloon Teviot, 7 - 30 Aug (not 17), 1.30pm (2.25pm), £7.00 - £8.00 (£6.00 - £7.00), fpp 14

tw rating 4/5

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Review : The Critic

The Critic
Lincoln Company
The Critic strikes me as a theatrical rollercoaster; not the sort which takes you on a whistle stop ride of excitement and adrenaline, but one where you find yourself queuing for far too long, only to find the slow climb up detracts from the pleasure of the entertaining dips. Excluding an odd dance, the cast had fun with the wit of Sheridan's script, producing some charismatic double-acts while inserting some topical humour. However, this topical humour was hit and miss, and some of the comedy seemed obvious and clichéd which, when coupled with tiresome soliloquies, undermined the merit of the production. With enjoyable scenes marred by dragging moments, The Critic is more of a Log Flume then the Big Dipper.
C, 5 - 31 Aug (not 17th), 5.10pm (6.20pm), prices vary, fpp 189.
tw rating 2/5
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Review : Serate Bastarde (Bastard Nights)

Serate Bastarde (Bastard Nights)
Expresso! Teatro Italiano: Dionisi

Showering in Silvio Berlusconi's spunk and holding beauty pageants for underwear-clad burns victims is not what comes to mind when one thinks of satire; yet satire it was, and bitingly so.

Struggling against strong accents, Serate Bastarde attempted to diffuse today's mad world by going mad themselves, coupling the aforementioned acts with emotive and witty tales. The three ladies blatantly pointed out how numb we have become to the social injustices surrounding us, which could have become grating if it weren't for the constant feeling of unease they simultaneously created.

Serate Bastarde seems to have taken in two clichés – social and absurdist theatre - producing a somewhat stilted performance which, to use a cliché of my own, is an experience.

C Soco, 5 - 31 Aug (not 17), 11.00pm (12.00am), prices vary, fpp95.
tw rating 3/5
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Review : Nik Coppin - Loquacious

Listening to him rant about a bad ThreeWeeks review he once received was the only time I felt slightly awkard during Nik Coppin's set; not sure whether he had amazing intuition or it was just a coincidence. With his desperation to make friends, and his beaming smile - which takes over his whole face - he puts his audience at ease from the outset of his show, which, as its title 'Loquacious' might imply, sees the comedian spending an hour talking bollocks. Not that this is bad; his anecdotes from his travels around the world are genuinely amusing, as is his repartee with the crowd, but it was easy to see that Copin was, in his preview week, still testing what worked

TW Rating 3/5

Review / Opinion / Misc :Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me

Blindfolded, I entered into the Dreamscape, an alien room where I found myself at the mercy of people I had never met. Terrifying? Not one bit... I was invigorated

My senses sharpened, my curiosity grew and I could not help but follow bright lights and the clicking fingers of the actors around me.

When asked about love and memories I felt no choice but to lay myself bare, spilling all to a room, to a person whose silly french accent transported me to decadent Parisian soirees. He led me by the hand, and placed me in the palm of another blindfoldee.

Without eyes to judge or be judged, my insecurities vanished. We found ourselves exploring each others hands, my rough slightly sweaty masculine palm mutually caressed her delicate feminine fingers, and as the music swelled we had no choice but to dance.

As our body's closed together, a strange sensation hit me. Not knowing anything about this women with her head on my chest, not knowing what she looked like and not knowing who she was - I had fallen in love. And for those two minutes, where we swayed together, hooked in each others imaginations, I was utterly and completely in love.

Is it worth seeing the beautiful things of this world, when they make us so insecure?

For a time now, I have felt that eyesight is the strongest sense, especially in theatre, where we specifically rely on it. However, it limits us - when we see things they become real, and when they are real they are rarely magical - and isn't that what theatre should be - magical?

We judge through eyes - sight is a decisive tool, but when judging how entertaining

a piece is (for we are all critics) we are limiting our own capabilities of being entertained.

Take theatre off the stages - return it to the mind - let us implode it with our fantasies!

Remove the eyes from theatre - Viva l'Squat!

(Inspired by Belt Up theatre, who led the Dreamscape and created the space which is the Squat)

Opinion : Harriet Harman tries to ruin politics.

Today, I read this article; http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/8180195.stm

It upset me.

I often tread the line as a misogynist and hold little sympathy for aggressive feminists who seem that they are intent in creating an all-female society or simply destroying men. But, rather than being because I feel my gender is superior to women, or that I have little respect for them, it is simply because when I look at a person, I do not see their race, gender or disability, I see another human being.

I also believe men and women will never be equal. But this does not mean that I believe men are better at life than women or vica-versa. As two different genders, men and women are wired differently, they approach different tasks in different ways, and as such are better suited to certain tasks. While men, who harbour an instinctive drive to hunt, will find it easier to shit on other to accomplish their tasks, women are better at managing compassionately.

However, and this is a huge however, I am talking in stereotypes. Every individual person, regardless of gender, race, or sexuality, is tuned in a different way. We all have our talents and our weaknesses, and this is what we should be judged on rather than, what categorical boxes we tick.

It is for this reason that I am so angry, that Labour allows such naive, short-sighted and apparently crazy MPs like Harriet Harman, not just into its party but into the cabinet. Positive discrimination, is still discrimination, and discrimination is wrong, on any level. So why in the most progressive modern country in the world, do we find it acceptable for her to suggest that the Labour party should change its rules so that a women should always be in one of the top two party jobs regardless of the skills possessed by other candidates for said job. Moreover, why have we allowed her to let businesses have "a legal right to discriminate in favour of female candidates"?

When men and women have worked to close the gap on gender inequality for the last seventy years, why has she seen fit to open it up again, creating resentment and divides?

Politically, I have always viewed myself as independant, judging every issue on its own merits, rather than which party it came from. However, after reading this article, I can safely say that Labour has defiantly lost its way as it allows discriminatory people like Mrs Harman to flourish under its wing. While she is an MP for them, I will never vote Labour, for I will not give my vote to a party who advocates sexism, discrimination and judges people on their natural attributes which they cannot help rather than their self- crafted talents

Misc : My train-friend/potential stalker John

Here follows a guide for making friends with mentalists on trains.

18.03 I boarded the train from York To Edinburgh

18.05 The guy across the aisle says words to the effect of "Hello, nice to meet you!" Surprised by the friendliness of normally mute commuters I reply and strike up conversation

18.08 After countless repetitions of: my name, "have a good time at the fringe Tom" and "you're nice Tom" occasionally peppered with "I hope you have a nice life Tom" I start to get worried about this old Aberdonian especially as when the conversation naturally ends he restarts it with said phrases

18.10 My worries are confirmed when he asks for my number, I give it to him but I switch digits. I feel bad

18.20 He finds out I am going to the fringe, he says he will come down and visit me.

18.40 I feel bad for bitching about him on Facebook, Twitter and here, as well as giving him a false number so I give him a bun.

19.05 He moves across the aisle to sit next to me, as I type about him. He doesn't notice, but asks me to send a Happy Birthday text to his friend. I do so, but after sending realise that his "friend" will now have my number

19.15 He sings hymns

19.20 He repeats "there is a God"...to himself.....loudly. Damn Christians!

19.28 He offers me his blackcurrant juice...nice gesture but I feel it could be drugged. I decline, but wonder if I am being too harsh on this man

19.30 He pulls what appears to be a child's picture book out of his bag and starts to read about princesses. This could be the basis for a poem...

20.20 We pull into Edinburgh and thinking that he may follow me off the train, I leave the seat early. It is good that I do so as he delays me for five whole minutes, shaking my hand and telling me how glad he is to have met me, and how I am his friend. Scared, and worried that the sweat dripping from my hands might moisten his palms and give away the fact that I've lied to him for four hours, I politely smile and nod my head. He also reminds me that he will be coming down to visit me - repeatedly, and tells me to ring him any time I want to chat. He could be such a nice man if he wasn't clearly mad.

Review : The Fringe is an Utter! experience

From here on in - it's all going to be Edinburgh reviews - to kick start here is an interview with Richard Tyrone Jones who is running the Utter! Spoken word nights

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ThreeWeeks has a word with the ringmaster of Spoken word

‘Utter!’

Roll up, watch poets

Read, drink, then eat their words, free-

flow, fall-down comets!

Comedy, musicals, dance, opera and street acts are all performance arts that the average Fringe adventurer might expect to see in abundance. However, one art form - like a nervous marmoset - who has rarely tested it’s popular appeal by elongating its spindly paw into the bright roaring jungle of festival madness, has stayed in the dark. But now, one man - who is so unnerved about being popular that in his own words he “is as proud to be a ginger as any other ethnic minority should be of their heritage” has dared to snare the marmosetian art form and unleash it - in all its glory - under the scorching heat of the Fringe audience. This scarce and endangered medium is spoken word, and its ring-master is Richard Tyrone Jones and his varied show Utter!

Having successfully run Utter! on the London circuit for the last five years, Jones has decided to bring his show to “one of the most poetic countries in the world” to “reach a wider, non-London audience and tap into the talent of Scotland”. And tapped he has, hosting a variety of different shows such as: “Utter! Scots on Tuesday, August 12th,” simply “because often Scots feel like us Sassenachs are invading for a month so we’re showcasing talented local bards”, “Donut Night on Saturday 15th, featuring the recently published works of John Hegley, Tim Wells and Tim Turnbull from Donut press collections” accompanied by “a Cool Hand Luke-style donut eating competition” which is “open to all” and “Utter!’ Dead poets & puppets society on Friday 21st” where the man himself will “channel the spirit of Ted Hughes for ‘The Sylvia Plath story: in puppets” promising us that it is in “not as poor taste as you might imagine!”

But why now? After years of poetic dehydration, why will a spoken word show quench the thirst of Edinburgh’s eloquent elite? Is it enjoying a revival due to the acceptance of Carol Ann Duffy to Poet Laureate-ship and a few well placed shows on BBC 4? Jones believes the former to be true, but not due to the copious amounts of sherry that have become available to Duffy, explaining “the quality’s always been there but now it’s getting press thanks to lively nights like: ‘Utter!’, Luke Wright and his Latitude festival stage, and acts like Scroobius Pip, PoeJazzi and MC Dockers, some of whom have beards, but don’t mumble into them.” He adds that “festivals are open-minded enough to put poets on alongside top name comedians, authors and musical acts, and so am I. In ten years, I’ll fill Wembley with spoken word acts. Wembley Social club, that is.”

He also rightly suggests Edinburgh is the perfect pitching ground for less-mainstream performance types due to the “open-mindedness” of the audience; “An Edinburgh audience is up for comedy, music, cabaret, puppetry, all in one day, and at ‘Utter!’ they’ll get a bit of each in one hour, in poetic form, often from the same act.

It seems then, that if your bore of the usual Fringe safari and fancy a real adventure off the beaten track, to see the rare and the beautiful, you should venture down to the dark recesses of Fingers Piano Bar because, as Jones states, “Edinburgh should expect the unexpected from us,” and be rewarded with “poetry with a good sense of humour and humour with a poetic sensibility”

Utter! Spoken Word, Utter!/PBH’s Free Fringe, Fingers Piano Bar, 8-29 August, 17.30(18.30), Free Non-ticketed, fpp 108

Tom Peel

Poetry : Your insistent disregard for my blatant sexual desire for you, has left me bored of life and equally unfulfilled at the prospect of death

Through grimy back door pubs,

Through lonely time-stopped queues,

Through dour, drab taxi ranks,

I still couldn't find you.

Through green growing hills,

Through the layered dog poo,

Through rotten, starving live stock,

I still couldn't find you.

Through towns without a home,

Through greyscale avenues

Through tenants housed to die,

I still couldn't find you.

Through slave driven commodities,

Through a tongue-scorching brew,

Through worn, cracked china plates

I still couldn't find you.

Through the latest playground fad,

Through middle-class fondue,

Through kids mixing in adult games,

I still couldn't find you.

Through the shoes of the crocodile,

Through the meals on kangaroo,

Through piano's played by elephants,

I still couldn't find you.

Through all the different mindsets,

Through each day being your debut,

Through different reactions to mundane things,

I still couldn't find you.

Through spelling your name with an S,

Through getting a tattoo,

Through realising your name was spelt with a C,

I still couldn't find you.

Through finding different cultures,

Through escapades in Peru,

Through finding culture all the same,

I still couldn't find you

Through smothered in my bed all day,

Through catching my final flu,

Through realising t'was but a cold,

I still couldn't find you

Through waking up for twenty years,

Has faded life to blue

And death's as exciting as tea at nans

So I just don't know what to do.

Tom Peel

Feedback appreciated

Poetry : Dog Walking

The reeds welcome us on avenues.

They wave their tiny heads.

We walk long trodden paths.

My infant footprints more your size now.

I imagine we used to rest here.

You naming the trees and hills.

I standing precariously on trig point.

The wind battling me for the peak.

They scattered you down, glen-side.

You overlook the brook on flat tamed ground.

You're bored and cramped by inner city tourists.

They have days out on accessible moorland.

You should be here, on highest moor top.

The four foot marble pillar, your testament.

You orchestrating the elements.

People on pilgrimages to your point.

I only have other peoples memories.

I invent one here for you and me.

We are sat together, Grandpa and Grandson.

Appreciating the frozen bite on our nose tips.

Tom Peel

Feedback appreciated

Poetry : Tommy's Asylum

How proud I felt, sat there, gazing in my

mirror, as purple gel swept through my scalp,

braking the silk feel as I massaged my

hair in circular motion into hard spikes.

I drew my face into equinous shapes

as I applied moisturiser with heavy

hands, gouging my skin into a youthful

face. Donning my violet shirt, I ventured out.

With the rain flashing in puddles like snakes,

sky-blue, writhing in a pit, the fifteen

minute walk, was drenched out of my lazy mind.

I took out my phone and called for a taxi.

"Fifteen minutes" they said. Ironic, but

I would be warm and dry. Twenty minutes

later a car pulled into my street, with

Goat's Taxis emblazoned on the door side.

I arrived at the Asylum, standing

among the hordes, pushing and jostling

as we entered the shadowed hall - the light

attracted us to the bar like moths.

"Five squashed frogs" was the generic order.

Sickly yellow shots, burning like hot oil,

as one by one we pushed them down our throats,

while our greedy eyes gurned and searched for more.

An as the poisoned-drink, hit our bellies

an then our eyes, I saw you there, a cow

on the dance floor. In an bluey dress, pushing

up your tits, right inyuh face, you looked nice.

My insides was fiery with brimstone as

I lustfully watched and sumat twiched down

there, yuh-no. I leaned to my mate an said

"She definitely wants one from Tommy!"

"Not if that cunt has ought tahdo wid it!"

He sez, as some lad who thinking that hes

tha dogs bollocks, starts getting off with you

an slips one of is finguhs inyuh bra.

"Youse lookin green pal" ma mate sezta me

"Go furah chunda!" Threw the toilet daws

ah spilled ontuh duh sink where ah splashed

some icey water inmeh fuggin face

"Looks like you've had one too many!" I ears

I lugs upinduh fayse of duh cunt who

was pullin you (slag) "Fugof" ah shouts an

swing fuh him, but the fugin cunt doghis

Es got me in a bear-hug an smashes

me onduh mirra. i sees vuh red stuffs

triglundun mafayse as he threttens tuh

brake alohme lugs and alohmeams

I get he schort ted owt of Aslyum

Sos ontuh Primea tuh get sum Ratmeet

ina pitta layed owt in one ofvem

litul oringch bockses an ex ter ra cheeps

Fuggin hav a bur gur too justabe

shaw wasa cunt itsgundunmehshurt Fuc

Sit on vis parkbench an wipe it aroff

ah vink parcbencheese are undahrighted

Tom Peel

Feedback appreciated

Poetry : My first Hai-kiss

The girl that is sexy,

Is the one that with a glance

Turns her back to me

Tom Peel

Feedback appreciated

Poetry : An Idiots Guide to the Death of Human Beings by a Literate Fly on a Variety of Walls

A human "being" is a curious name for

a species who spend half of their lives

lying in the dark competing with each other,

to see who can silently imitate their deaths.

Yet, when they have mastered this art

they are tested in the purest buildings

to see how many blips are left in a

machine connected to their soul.

The victor receives a glorious ceremony,

where it rains (without clouds) on the faces of the herd.

The human "resting" is then either, stored away

in the basement, gravely marked for later use,

or digested by grabbing orange spear-heads

until they are baked in a ceramic pot filled to the

brim with colourless sand and taken to

a cliff, trig point or mantle piece

to be disposed of, as the herd huddles

together against the wind and the weather

Tom Peel

Feedback appreciated

Poetry :The Overdressed Whore

Among the strobes and the beer-stuck floor,

You will find my protagonist, the overdressed whore,

Wearing loose clothes, which she left at the bar,

Unless she came out wearing just knickers and bra.

She spins like a whirligig, twirling her head,

Whilst the lads, for a bet, will take her to bed.

She's the last resort, the three am vice,

If you've had a barren night, she will suffice.

You can see her every morning, walking back at eight,

A degraded reflection of an amorous night,

Panda-run eyes, stilettos in hand,

A false number on her arm, blurred and signed

"I should find out the name of the overdressed whore,"

I think, as she slips shyly out of my door

Tom Peel

Feedback appreciated

Poetry : Walking Home

Out of the street, swarmed a hive of hoods

Stalking me with their gauze-like faces

Shoving and skulking, snarling they said,

"How lonely does it feel to be you?"

And as I meandered I met a

Beautician, with make up three men used

Who, muzzled and marked, mumbled and moaned

"How lonely does it feel to be you?"

Covering my tracks, I was caught by a

Camper, carrying his kerbside crap.

Clutching and crutching, he coughed a clause,

"How lonely does it feel to be you?"

With my wife wrapped in my arms, I thought,

"How lonely does it feel to be you?"

Tom Peel

Feedback appreciated

Poetry : Who knew that hair could weigh so much?

It shows a picture, hung in a hollow home,

Without windows or lights, but countless mirrors

Reflecting the cruelty, but hiding its form

As you try to catch it with a broken net

I don't know who I waste my time on more,

Me or you, you or me, me or me?

I get lost in my hungover mind,

And plan the ways in which you plot to hurt me.

Your distant noise means nothing

To me, I mean nothing to me

Tom Peel

Feedback appreciated...

Opinion : Glass Ceilings

I hate the term glass ceiling, it is pointless, ambiguous, more outdated than a beige floral motif and makes an irritable insatiable tapping noise when hit by rain. My 6th form centre (Yes, we had a whole centre, because I am one of those statistics who went to private school, even though it was in inner city Bradford - which has a lovely reputation for schools) thought itself useful to install an actual glass ceiling - reinforcing the thought in our compressed minds that although we were paying for our education, it, being from Bradford wouldn't give us too much of an advantage in the real world.

Oh and by the way, before we properly start, the subject which has led me to opening this blog by talking about glass ceilings, is of course the latest scare-mongering report on social mobility or lack there-off, written by those who mistakenly believe we are living now, under the same three class tier system as we were in the '70's

The problem with these reports is that they spout percentages and statistics in as much abundance as the Niagara Falls spouts water of the top of its chilly edge. These are then picked up by the media and taken out of context, go un-compared and get so twisted that they resemble the original statistic as much as Jacko resembles his original face. For those who are forgetful or ignorant, here is a statistic from myself:

"Jobs in the service industries have increased by 45 percent, from 14.8 million in 1978 to 21.5 million in 2005, while those in manufacturing have fallen 54 percent from 6.9 million to 3.2 million over the same period"

Just for clarification, service sector jobs are typically those ones which employ the middle class, i.e: media, education, health care, real estate, legal practice etc. While manufacturing are obviously jobs which involve manual labour commonly associated with the working class.

Now it doesn't take much to see that today the manufacturing sector is employing approximately 5% of UK's population, showing a reduction if not eradication of the standard class system. Famously, on the topic an unnamed union leader declared "No longer can I call on my comrades, who now have a mortgage, two cars and an annual holiday, to march for better conditions". It appears that the middle class and working class have merged - typical working class jobs such as plumbers earn more than teachers who were of course the stalwart of middle class sensibility:

"John Major in 1996 argued that “we are all middle class now” – in other words working class living standards have risen to such a degree that the difference with middle class people have become blurred."

This merge has given rise to a new three-tier class system, in turn introducing a new social class - the underclass. The underclass is easily personified in chav form - apparently they live on the dole, take drugs, procreate another baby in tandem with every cigarette they smoke on their 30-a-day habit and generally mug/vandalise/burgle and occasionally rape 83 year old women and lock their kids under the bed of their local, convicted child-sex-offender weirdo of a relative. Basically the kind you find on Jeremy Kyle

Moving on, it is not surprising then, what with the rise in affluence of the working class and the emergence of the disastrously degenerate under-class who are infinitely more poor than the old working class, that there has been a rise in the number of families with an above average income. This then shows why there has been a rise in the amount of people coming from above-average incomes in industries such as media and accountancy. The fact that there is a larger number of more-affluent families shows that social mobility is happening, take my families example for instance:

My paternal grandparents hail from a mill-town called Low Moor and lived in a small terraced house without indoor toilets - a typical working class family of the time. My father was born in the '60s hitting the job market in the '80s. Having not gone to college or anything like that, he decided to become a salesman, and after a variety of jobs settled in selling computers. He worked his way up as the industry boomed and now is living in a detached house in the more middle-class area of Baildon and drives an Audi TT. Similarly, after having their second child my grand-parents realised they needed a larger house, so my grandmother decided to get a job as a typist and they both worked until they could afford to buy a nice semi-detached house in the middle-class suburb of Baildon. This goes to prove that social mobility is extremely accesses able - if you put in the work.

To finish, as I am getting horribley bored by such a dull subject, where I might just be talking a load of shit, here is another quote concerning John Major:

"We have a country in which a former circus manager's son, John Major, became prime minister - don't talk about glass ceilings."

And a concluding sentance on statistics - just remember you probably have an above average number of legs!

Reading:

www.bbc.co.uk/news

http://www.isj.org.uk/?id=293