Opinion: The Real Paul McCartney's Guide to University

As I sat in my girlfriends hedge, listening to De La Soul's Three is the Magic number while watching her get dirty with her 'new' feller, a thought struck me in the face in the form of a slightly disorientated bat, I realised that just two very important guidelines have seen me survive through the shark infested waters of my two student years. What are these guidelines? I hear you nonchalantly and probably subconsciously think as you read this ink. Well, snap your attention rigidly to this page and all shall be revealed, but remember, in the words of the unsung hero who made Baz Luhrmann famous; my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience, and as I am a bit of a knob take it with a pinch of salt(ol' Bazzy may of cut that last bit):

1)Say Yes to everything

Whether it be parties, extra-curricular activities or buying a pint for your mate – if you say yes to everything you will be the most worn out person at the end of the year, you will be broke and you will most probably be encountering some kind off breakdown but on the flip side, you would never of known the advantages between using an épée or a sabre in a drunken midnight kitchen fencing match on Halloween .

2)Follow your passions

Even if sometimes you feel like you are the only student in the world who would benefit from a society which sellotapes teddy bears onto scalextric cars, douses them with petrol and bets on which one can travel the furthest before the fire penetrates the deodorant can strapped to the teddy bear's back while the Commodores Greatest Hits gently serenades the ensuing carnage, it doesn't mean that you are. It just means that you are a little eccentric and if you find fourteen other oddjobs (perhaps at that pesky police line up, you're always being asked to attend) you have a society in the making. Now just tell the student council you are educating children about the dangers of deodorant abuse and the world is your oyster.

And there it is, two very general pieces of advice which if you follow them like I do, will see you barred from the pub, banned from the union, asbo-ed from your girlfriends hedge, thrown off your course, ousted from your burnt down house, leaving you hungry, cold and alone and set for that real world your parents kept telling you about until they put you up for adoption

The Real Paul McCartney

www.hullfire.com

Poetry : My eyes grew wider as I grew older.

When I was two

I looked for my grandmother

She came into view

and everything was fine

When I was three

I looked for my grandmother

I cried on her knee

and everything was fine

When I was four

I looked for my grandmother

Her word was law

but everything was fine

When I was ten

I looked for my grandmother

She fell on the glen

but everything was fine

When I was sixteen

I looked for my grandmother

A doctor intervened

He said everything was fine

When I was eighteen

I looked for my grandmother

But she couldn't be seen

I was told she was fine

When I was twenty-two

I looked for my grandmother

Realise she had lost a screw

Her mind was not fine

When I was twenty-four

I looked for my grandmother

She was a cerebal prosoner of war

And she didn't seem to be fine

And now it's that day

Where I look at my grandma

As the church starts to pray

And I don't feel fine

Poetry : The lovers in Edinburgh walk very slowly, they should probably hurry up a bit to save me from stress.

It was as if somehow, time had slowed down

As I drowned in the rain watching you bound down

the lane. And with a bump, an abrupt stop,

we could not help but collide into each other.

But then our love ran sour and you had me

walking in the gutter, stuttered at first:

my frustration grew, cursing you

with blue thoughts. Youheld me back and I saw black

I pushed you down hard on the ground because,

you dossed as your feet trawled the streets and making me wait

to meet a mate an Cannongate. You made me late

and filled me with hate. I wished a rape upon you

And you deserved your just desert, because you

Walk in front of me very very slowly

Tom Peel

Feedback welcome

Review : Papillon - Editors Single

With their third album, In This Light And On This Evening being released in October, the Editors announced that they put down their guitars and picked up their synths to capture the raw, viceral energy which drives their live shows. Did it work? Well, if their single Papillon is anything to go by..Yes. Thom's trademark baritone lyrics and the wailing guitar licks have been complimented by a Numan-stylee introduction and Depeche Mode harmonies making the Editors sound like New Order would if Ian Curtis hadn't committed suicide. Emotively and darkly powerful

www.hullfire.com

Review : Gaze: Lovin' Earth Tour 2009

Gaze: Lovin' Earth Tour 2009
Gaze/Laughing Horse Free Festival
Aptly named Gaze (think phonetically), these two musical-comedians are out to save the planet, person by person, song by song. Donning matching grey suits with black ribbons to highlight 'Death of the Earth Awareness Day', the pair look the part and for that matter act the part, but unfortunately too much of the humour in their set derives from their earth-saving angle and not from the comedian's mouth. Their songs are generally good, including the hilarious 'Bomb Iraq', but their spoken material is less consistent. There are some humorous moments in and amongst other material which isn't bad, but similarly isn't funny. If they managed to improve these links to complement their comical style and charisma, they might achieve more success.
Laughing Horse @ Meadow Bar, 6 - 17 Aug, 10.15pm (11.15pm), free, fpp53.
tw rating 2/5
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www.threeweeks.com

Review : Rosa Waxes Lyrical

Rosa Waxes Lyrical
Creative Cat
If you are a bra-burning militant feminist of the '60s do not see this show: if you are anybody else, do. Rosa the Russian beautician does her best to persuade the audience that being folically challenged from the neck down will bring you success in life; that is when she is not talking about herself or name-dropping of course. She is joined by her faithful pianist who can only be described as having Tim Minchin's eyes, Bill Bailey's hair and Droopy Dog's expression, and who steals a proportion of the show. The material is very comical and Rosa has an excellent singing voice, but she lacks the immediate comic one-liners when she converses with the crowd. Egotistical, arrogant comedy.
Gilded Balloon Teviot, 5 - 26 Aug (not 18), 9.30pm (10.30pm), prices vary, fpp92
tw rating 4/5
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Review : The Packed Lunch

The Packed Lunch
C presents...
It's hard to review something that changes every day, but 'The Packed Lunch' aims to showcase highlights of children's shows across the festivals. Come rain or shine, performers take to the stage and act out selected scenes from their shows three times a day at eleven, one and three o'clock. It's worthwhile if you have some spare time and want to enjoy a drink, food or just rest while your children are entertained. As it is in the C Soco gardens, the setting is very informal, allowing you to arrive or leave whenever you want, making it useful if you want to see what is on offer. It's not scintillating theatre but you may get a free ticket to a show.
C Soco Urban Garden, 3 - 31 Aug, times vary, free, fpp 14.
tw rating 2/5
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Review : Under Milk Wood

Under Milk Wood
Youth Arts Leicestershire
In what's probably the most complete performance from young actors that I've seen at the Fringe, Dylan Thomas' radio play 'Under Milk Wood' is brought out of the ears and in front of the eyes. With such a poetic, dense and detailed script the production team relied heavily on visual effects; they created some ethereal characters with jackets and shackles, amongst other things, complementing the script with their swaying dances and providing an amphibious environment such as the ones found on dampened jetties with the set and technical effects. In fact it's the script which undermines the piece; although beautifully-worded, it flits around, barring the audience from connecting with the characters and leaving them wondering if it's about bugger all.
Quaker Meeting House, 24 - 29 Aug, 6.30pm (7.30pm), 7.00 (5.00), fpp236.
tw rating: 3/5
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Review : Unfolding King Lear A Model

Unfolding King Lear A Model
Incarnate
I have never read, seen or studied King Lear and my judgement of whether this this is a good or bad adaptation may be lacking somewhat, but what I can say is that it's very interesting. If you love or appreciate the nuances and subtleties of Shakespearian language it isn't for you, as the sole actor rushes through the play reading from a script, sometimes shouting, sometimes mumbling - reading to himself more than to the audience. However, he's surrounded by all manner of wonderful items which he uses to entertain and perplex, often with the intention of torturing himself, which keeps the audience on edge, trying to guess what will happen next and frankly, if they are quite safe.
The Vault, 25 - 21 Aug, 10.20pm (11.20pm), 5.00 (3.00), fpp236
tw rating: 3/5
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Review : Still Waiting For Godot

Still Waiting For Godot
Nod/nod
To bring a play as notorious as 'Waiting For Godot' to the public domain, you either have to cast two extremely respected actors or be very brave. Fortunately, nod/nod aren't just brave, they are brilliant. The acting is fantastic: each character had a vivid personality contrasting and conflicting with the others around him; their space was a toilet, where they exploited every nook and cranny for maximum effect; they tore at the script, modernising it, satirising it and most importantly having fun with it; and the imagery that they created with their blocking was beautifully powerful. They did exactly what needed to be done with a worn-out script: rejuvenated it into a new, exciting and enjoyable piece of theatre.
C Central, 25 - 31 Aug, 6.30pm (7.20pm), 5.00, fpp237.
tw rating 4/5
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Review : Puppet Grinder Cabaret

Puppet Grinder Cabaret
Puppet Grinder/Little Angel Theatre
Even though the Fringe's unofficial motto seems to be 'anything goes!', I never expected to see a strip-dancing puppet with breasts that have a tendency to fall off, at the festival, or in my life. But the Puppet Grinder Cabaret, hosted by the northern, non-puppet, cheeky chappy that is Dave Gibson, have scoured Edinburgh for the more 'adult' puppet acts, which included on this particular night ('where Cheryl tapped the drum'; they name all their nights) a delightfully foul-mouthed history of Britain, a frog choking to death while swallowing a duster and the disgustingly horrific aforementioned stripper, Trixi. If you'd like see what you could have done when you had your hand up Sooty's bum, this is the kind of show you might like.
Assembly @ Georges Street, 6 - 31 Aug (not 17 or 24), 8.35pm (9.35pm), prices vary, fpp88.
tw rating 3/5
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